I am currently serving 42 months in prison. I have a lengthy criminal history that is 100% associated with my life-long struggle with addiction. Despite always wanting a happy, successful life for myself and my children, I have continually repeated the same behaviors over and over knowing there would be negative consequences. Looking back, there was always a dark shadow of shame blocking my inner light from shining bright.
This time getting locked up I felt totally different. I was ready was ready for REAL change. I started doing everything differently. I wanted to find answers because I was sick and tired of disappointing everyone, and especially myself. So I began reading everything I could get my hands on about addiction. What I've learned has been profoundly transformational. It turns out addiction is a symptom of the trauma I have carried since I was little. I have learned that the only way to truly heal and grow is to share my pain and accept it as part of who I am. It does not solely define me. So I will share a little bit about my trauma growing up.
When I was ten years old my parents who had separated years earlier, got back together. For the first time ever my mom and dad were going to get married, and we all stood together at the wedding ceremony. It was an absolutely beautiful day. At last I was a real family in my eyes.
Eight days later....mom and I discovered dad dead in his bed. He died unexpectedly and left us all heartbroken.
It's important to know that I never knew my biological father, and he was never present in my life. He was abusive to my mother and she left to keep me safe when I was a few months old. I share this because four months before the death of the man who raised me, I found out my real father had died. I literally met him at his funeral.
After all the loss and tragedy, I was left to deal with all the hurt and pain on my own. I realize now that my mother did love and care about me. At the time, however, I felt like I was drowning in darkness. My mother had to work a lot to make ends meet in dad's absence. I ended up turning to my peers when I had no one else. I became angry and rebellious towards my mother. Especially after she met someone else about a year later. From there, I started running away from home and experimenting with alcohol and marijuana. That was merely the beginning of my life-long struggle with substances.
I have learned from the experts that, the trauma was NOT the loss of my dad and my biological father. It was the wound left from never processing the emotions of those major experiences. It was customary in my generation to promote "toughness" in our children. The only problem with that is, it causes children brought up that way, to disconnect from their emotions and instincts. That certainly was the case with me personally. I have historically been a very emotionally reactive person. I have hurt my own kids in the same way. I have always loved them, I just never knew how to show my love authentically. In fact, I spent many years trying to convince myself that I didn't need love. That's just not possible, humans are literally wired for connection relationally to others.
Between my childhood and the present, I continually tried to lead a productive life. Looking back, I just didn't have the skills or the wisdom to regulate my emotions. I was always intellectually confident, however, I was deeply insecure emotionally. It was a recipe for a variety of addictions. I was in one unhealthy relationship after another, and ultimately turned to heroine and meth. I progressively went deeper into shame and darkness. I lost myself and everything and everyone that I loved.
There is really no other way of describing it, then as an "awakening". When I got myself sent back to jail 12 months ago, I just knew that something felt very different inside. I WAS READY FOR CHANGE. My heart ached for my kids and my mother. I had disappointed all of them for so long. Most of all I had let myself down. So for the first time ever, I dropped to my knees and just cried to God from the depths of my soul. I begged for Him to give me the wisdom and grace to be better.
After that I felt a shift in my very core. Positive information I needed to heal began flowing to me. I also discovered a curiosity within me that has fueled a huge passion for learning in general. Shame has become a catalyst for change and success in my life. I feel like everything is so much more vivid and clear now that I have begun focusing on what's important instead of feelings of being unworthy. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I have actual HOPE in my life. And have a positive attitude that gives me a true sense of peace for the first time in my entire life.
I would be remiss if I did not properly acknowledge BRAVE BEHIND BARS in this section of my story. I am so incredibly thankful for all the skills I have learned. It was literally an act of being BRAVE BEHIND BARS!
"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking , yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging."
